The Hero's Journey: DEATH, Part II
3 months of Hell
It all started in March of 2020, yup the same week the planet shut down! My dad had a procedure to place a mechanical valve in his heart. Without hesitation, my wife and I flew out to Las Vegas from NYC. We had to be there for him and my mom. Pandemic or not, we made the effort because that is what you do for the people you love and care about! You go out of your way in THEIR time of need. Something many of us have forgotten about in our selfish, pathetic culture of today.
I remember they shut down Las Vegas the day after his surgery, the whole city went dark! Imagine Las Vegas “closed”…it was strange for sure. The surgery was a success and we headed home, in first class on an empty plane, no mask, no vax, no fear. Just grateful my father was going to be ok.
Fast forward to December 2022. I’m now living in Texas. My parents came out to spend Christmas with us. The moment my dad got off the plane I can see something was not right. He was thin, frail and weak. My mom said they were both recently getting over a cold. We come home, have a great meal and watch a movie. The next day my dad and I go to Home Depot to get supplies for the new home gym I’ve been building out in the garage. We get home and start planning out the project and decide to officially start the next day.
Later that night, It’s 1:30am and I hear a knock on my bedroom door. I immediately get up. It’s my mom. “Your dad says he can’t breath.” I see him hunched over on the couch struggling for air. “Dad, you ok, whats wrong?” I ask. “I…can’t …breath…” he says, barely able to get the words out. “You need me to call 911?” I ask. “Yes” he says. I call 911 and in less than 10 min an ambulance shows up. They give him oxygen but it does not seem to help. So they decide to place him on the gurney and rush him to the closest emergency room, which happens to be about 10 min away. The three of us are all just a few minutes behind!
His condition got worse during the ambulance ride, which resulted in him needing to be fully intubated. They found fluid built up in his lungs, which was the reason he couldn’t breath. So much so that, it was the same feeling as drowning. They thought it was covid but he tested negative. Plus he already had covid once with minimal symptoms and he recovered just fine. Cold, tired, nervous and afraid, we all sit tucked away in a small room near the ER waiting for some answers. Every time the nurse came out to give us an update it was tense! I’m waiting for her to tell us “he didn’t make it…”. If you’ve ever been in that situation, it’s extremely nerve racking.
I finally get to go back and see him. He’s in and out of consciousness, fully intubated and pale as ghost. It’s hard to see my father this way. This is not a time to panic or lose my shit. In these situations you must be calm, collected and focused. This is what good leaders must do in high stress and high pressure situations. I’m providing the hospital staff with as much information and history about his health I can recall. Hoping we can solve this puzzle together. They think it’s covid. Unfortunately that line of thinking was still prevalent. I say that because it’s a bullshit assumption in my fathers case. I had to explain his history to help guide them in the right direction. Treat the cause, not the symptom. He was negative for covid, on every fucking test they gave him! They don’t know what is wrong and decide to transfer him to a larger hospital with a good cardiac unit in Austin.
This is the beginning of the hell he went through for the next three months.
Where there is a will…
“Merry Fucking Christmas” To quote David Goggins, as it’s fits this part perfectly! My dad spent 5 of 8 days of their visit in the hospital including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I was able to break him out of there early on Christmas Morning just in time to get home and watch the Rams blow out the Broncos 51-14! Keep in mind the Rams had a horrible post SuperBowl hangover and only won 4 games all season. So this two Christmas miracles on the same day! This is now one of my favorite Christmas memories.
When he returned home to Arizona, it all happens again only a few weeks later. Same symptoms, same ambulance ride, same assumptions, same results. Then once again in February! My dad was fully intubated 3 times in 3 months! It was tourture for him and tourture to witness knowing you can do nothing to help! I fondly recall while being in the ICU in Austin, I was next to his bed trying to keep him calm and relaxed. He hated the tubes down his throat so much so that he repeatedly tried to pull them out with his bare hands! He was successful a few times until they decided to strap his arms to the bed. This time I was there and placed my hand on his head and told him to “…be calm, breath with me dad, relax and don’t think about it. Relax and breath with me dad. You can do this…” As I was talking to him we made eye contact and I could feel his pain. We were connected in spirit as I continued to speak to him with no words, only through the souls. Then a tear formed in his eye and slowly rolled down his cheek as we maintained our connection. He finally relaxed and fell a sleep. That moment was extremely difficult and powerful at the same time. It’s burned in to my memory. I felt everything he was feeling at the moment. My dad and I had that connection and have been able to feel each others emotions from no matter the distance.
His doctors were stumped until it was too late. They kept trying to fix the symptom and not the cause. He was diagnosed with a Pneumonia, not the case. Then they said he was anemic, again not the case. Lastly they decided he just needed to take more fucking PILLS! They did their best but ultimately his mechanical valve from three years prior started to fail. “The only one I’ve ever seen fail"…”, says his heart surgeon. His heart, as big and full of love as anyone I’ve ever know simply couldn’t properly pump blood throughout his body anymore. The blood would back up and flow into is lungs and stomach. Hence the misdiagnosed Pneumonia and Anemia. He fought hard till the end but ultimately succumb to heart failure.
So Yeah, Merry Fucking Christmas! This holiday meant very little to us this year.
A Fighter, a Marine, a Cowboy! My Dad was all the above but most importantly he was a Son, Brother, Husband, Grandfather and our Father. He represented them all very well.
“Down in a hole
and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart, I decorate it like a grave
Oh, you don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now, a man who won't let himself be…”
We just left my parent’s house which is now just my Mom’s house. We’re making the long drive back to Texas. This song by Alice in Chains is playing on the radio. The lyrics hit me like no other time before in my life. Funny how things can take on a different meanings at different times in your life. Right now I feel way down in a hole and it’s about to get deeper, darker and even harder to climb out of!
We spent the week with my mom after the funeral service/ceremony. Then, after we buried our Dad, we celebrated my Mom’s birthday just a few days later. While at her home we went through lot’s of my Dad’s belongings. It’s a strange feeling, to see all the gifts I gave my father over the years and now being offered to take them back. The engraved watch I gave him for being the best man at my wedding. The custom hunting knife I gave him for his birthday. Many different hat’s and t-shirts over the years. Each gift was special and he enjoyed them. Now I will get to enjoy them as well.
Then there were some items I always dreamed of owning when I was younger. His hunting and fishing gear! We grew up hunting and my Dad had some beautiful shotguns. I never felt qualified to shoot his Remington Model 1100. It was big and powerful and dead on accurate or maybe it was just him and not the gun? We did call him Dead Eye Dave! He purchased that gun in the 80’s and took great care of it. A trait I inherited from him. I’m deeply honored to take this piece home with me and look forward to channeling my Dad on it’s first hunt with me at the helm.
“Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
I'd like to fly
But my wings have been so denied…”
You can not take anything with you when you die. We accumulate so much junk in this life that we think will make us happy or fix all the problems we face. “The less you have the happier you are”. I favorite quote of mine. My dad had just what he needed and few things he wanted. To me that is the balance we must all seek. Needs versus Wants. Once you have your needs met, you can reward yourself with some wants. My dad always told me not to buy anything unless you afford to pay for it with cash. So, like him I must earn my rewards, big or small. When you do that, you appreciate it much more. You value it, take care of it and feel a since of pride and accomplishment knowing you worked hard for it. Nothing given, everything earned. I left behind my dad’s classic 1970’s Model 12 Winchester Shotgun. He saved up his money as young kid and purchased this gun on his own. He wanted it, worked hard and rewarded himself. He took care of it, cleaned it after every hunt and it still shoots perfectly today. It’s very symbolic of my dad’s character and an example of his will, work ethic and appreciation. There’s many “wants” he left behind that are still just as good today as they were 10,20…50 years ago. Something everyone should strive for.
Memento Mori
Remember that you will die. Easier said than done. I think another way to interpret this ancient Stoic phrase is to remember that They will die! We all know that we will die and our loves one will too but how often do you actually think about your life with them not in it? I’m at the age now where Death is officially part of my life. Most, if not all of us go through life knowing that we, and the people we love will one day die. However, I feel that we are in denial. We pretend it will not actually happen. Think about it. Are you really living like there is no tomorrow? Or are you living as if you will exist for eternity, like a Vampire from True Blood?
Imagine having someone you love, the person who you spend nearly everyday with. Your most favorite human being in the world. All the little things you share together. Whether it be a simple as watching TV together, having coffee in the morning or even arguing with each other. Now imagine all of that is suddenly gone. It’s like waking up one day and you’re missing an arm. You took it for granted and now that it’s gone, you realize how much you needed it in your life. Some things can not be replaced. You now have to learn how live your life, again.
Where I am struggling with this concept the most is getting other people to see this. Maybe that is not my job? Actually it’s not! I do feel it’s an important topic that needs to be discussed more openly. It will happen to us and everyone we have ever known. We must not live in denial, instead live with a sense of urgency. “There is no tomorrow…”, to quote Apollo Creed in Rocky III. Do that thing you’ve always wanted to do. Visit that place you’ve talked about forever. Try that new hobby you dreamed of. Start working on yourself, today, not tomorrow. Admit you are flawed and can be better. Call that person you’ve been avoiding. Do not waste anymore time because you only have so much of it and we don’t know when your clock is going to suddenly stop!
“You are what you do, not what you say you'll do.”
-Carl Jung
No one is perfect. We all have bad days. It’s okay to feel a little discouraged. But to give up? To not even try? That is criminal. “Disgraceful,” Marcus Aurelius would say, “for the soul to give up when the body is still going strong.”
Thank you,
Greg S Pawlisa