The Hero's Journey: LOVE — PAWLISA PROJECT

I’m deep in the deserts near Arizona. It’s sunny and about 80 degrees out. It’s the middle of November and Thanksgiving is only two weeks away. I’m quail hunting with my Dad and we just finished another great hunt. My cellphone occasionally gets signal but that’s not a concern of mine as we sit on the tailgate of my dad’s pickup truck drinking a few beers to celebrate the hunt. My flip phone suddenly picks up the faintest of signals and a text comes through. My life is about to change forever. I just about to experience the worst moment of my life.

It’s funny as you continue to live and evolve as a human how experiences and memories seem to change. That day in the desert my life was shattered. My wife just left me via text. She moved out of our home, took all the furniture, DVDs and even my tequila, which I was going to need after this. My bank was drained and all of my credit cards where canceled. I’m stranded in the desert with no money, no signal and no idea what to do. I remain calm and finish my beer. On the outside I’m Zen…on the inside I’m freaking the fuck out! “Dad, let’s head back to the house” I say. I’m just trying to figure out why the love of my life would hurt me like this? “Ok” he replies, “everything ok?” “Yeah, I’m good” I answered. We get back to the house and I still can’t send a reply text because the signal is so bad. I’m pacing around trying to get a signal. Every sad, horrible, angry and devastating thought is going through my head. Why? What did I do, we are in love, and we made a vow, I think to myself, right?

“Dad, I gotta go” I tell him. “Everything ok, what’s wrong?” he asks. “Umm, nothing, I just gotta go…” You sure, what’s wrong?” He asked again. On the inside I am loosing my shit! I can’t tell him, it’s too embarrassing. What do I tell my dad? That I failed at my marriage, that I’m not a good husband, that my wife just left me, that you will never see or talk to your daughter-in law ever again?

I pack up and leave as soon as I can. I don’t make it home until 4am. I walk into our home that looks as if it’s been robbed. No couch, no dishes, only a TV left on the wall and a mattress in the bedroom. As I sadly stroll through the house I notice everything she took with her. Small things like certain DVD’s she liked…she even took my favorite hot sauce! I sat down in my empty living room crying. Did I not love her enough? Do I know how to love? What is true love? I’m now alone in a large two-bedroom apartment that cost over $2k a month in rent and she only left me $1k in the bank.

The next morning I recovered and later learned this was the best thing that ever happen to me. I got married too young, we both did. We stayed together for the wrong reasons. She just had the courage to change it. She later tried to reconcile with me and ask me to forgive her for everything. I thanked her. I was finally happy again. From the misery I found my happiness which eventually led me to my to find true love. First I had to learn to love myself. This was the most import lesson I took from this. I learned that I could never make anyone else happy if I wasn’t fully happy with myself first. I learned to not depend on anyone for happiness. I learned that true love does exist and when it’s real it can be glorious! Some time went by, I traveled, made new friends, started new relationships and started to experience the world. I found out that my happiness comes from within but it can be even greater when shared with the right person.

One lonely night I’m sitting at home watching TV and I get a Facebook request from an old friend I went to high school with. She’s living in NYC and it’s already 10pm PST so it’s much later for her. I remember her and naturally I look at all her pictures to see how she looks now. Yup better looking than I recall. That simple click of “yes” changed my life again. I didn’t know at the time, I didn’t know for a while but I was about to experience unconditional love. She taught me what true love really is. First, I know that I’m a difficult person to be with, this I can admit. When the right person comes into your life your ego and personality may try to fight it but your heart will guide you.

9 years later:

I’m now about go to rest in the 16th different bed over the past 3 months. I haven’t seen my wife in almost a month and Thanksgiving is two weeks away. I’m stranded in Los Angeles, this time with a smart phone, surrounded by people but missing one major part of me. I’m actually very happy being alone and often I prefer it. The holidays are always more challenging for everyone I suppose. I find this year very fitting for me. This time around I have the full support and love of a great woman neither distance nor time can affect that. In fact, it only makes us grow stronger. I took a job that required me to away from home for nearly 6 months *(Update, I’ve been living bi-coastal between LA&NYC for 1.5years now). I was so excited about this job and when I told my wife about the opportunity she can see how happy it made me. Without hesitation she said to me “what ever makes you happy…we’ll make it work” That selfless response is what love is about. She’s my hero in this journey. I’m living in a land of temptation, sex, drugs, and rock and roll! None of that bothers me. The love I have for her conquers all of that. I made a sacrifice and moved to NYC for her years ago. She’s never forgotten that. This is her sacrifice for me and I’ll never forget it either!

As I write this I get another random message on Facebook. This time from my cousin who lives in AZ. The subject is about love. It says…

“Love everything you can. Love everyone you can. Focus only on the things you love, feel love and you will experience that love and joy coming back to you…”

This very thing happen to me when I started to focus on making myself happy and realizing how to love who I am, only then was I truly able to love someone else. Our happiness comes from with in and can not be dependent on another human being. I’m now the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Finding someone to truly love and to share that love with only enhanced my happiness. If for whatever reason my wife is no longer in my life, I now know that I can still be happy and full of love.

During my journey I found that love is the most powerful force in existence. It has the power to change everyone and everything for the better but it all starts from with in you. I believe, beyond a doubt that if more people find self-love first, the world will become a happier, friendlier, safer and more peaceful loving place.